GAH!

I got in a wreck in my car. Best part about it I rear ended my own mother! Ugh, then my hair came out red! : / Yesterday wasn't my day! More to come on in a later post.

Starting Over --

Here I got starting over from the beginning, I can't act that he was never a part of my life. I just have to move on and carry on like I was before I met him. I will not deny for any one minute that I love him. I won't tell you there isn't a place for him in my heart, because I would be lying. I can't change how I feel about him. I won't say to your face that I am jealous of the girl that is working on stealing his heart. I had to shut him out of my life for the most part. He is no longer on my Facebook or Skype. I don't want to cut him out completely so I didn't block his number even though I have considered it deeply.

I can't let him hold me back forever. I don't plan on letting him control me and him not even know it. Jealously is eating me alive, I guess simply because he has moved on and she is getting more attention than me. I am not afraid to admit it that she is better than me. He took a step up from me and when I called him to ask him he he wanted a relationship with her. The words that just rolled off his tongue, not a problem saying it. The simple "Yes, I do" killed me. That is what pushed me away the most. There are a lot of other factors that pushed me away.

Lazy Monday!!!

Ah, I can feel the routine setting in again. I have my vanilla Dr. Pepper from Sonic and blogging again. My mom made dinner. Techinically she bought part of it. Fried Chicken from Brookshires, chedder broccoli noodles, and little peas. I can say it was a very good dinner, way better than the food that school serves.

Monday, what is there to say about you. The weather is crappy!!! It has rained for the past 2 days, making it so cold. The perfect cuddling weather and I have no one to cuddle with. It is semi-upsetting, but that is quite alright. I have my big brother to watch movies and cuddle with. I love him. He is a whole another post on another day.

I have been tired all day just exhausted. I have no clue why I haven't done anything to make me feel so exhausted. I am beginning to think that it is the weather. That and considering I can't sleep when it is raining at night must be the problem.

School you are driving me to sleep and not pay attention in class. Thus it is making my GPA drop along with my class rank. I need out of the second quartile. I need college to be successful and teachers your making me miserable. It is so hard to apply myself with the teachers make the class boring.

I love my after school Sonic runs with my brother and the occasional Ashley. It brightens my day! I feel so much better to be able to blog. Next blog hopefully will be more interesting!

I feel like a STRANGER --

I have been neglecting this for far too long. I shouldn't neglect my blog at all, it is my only way to get stuff out most the time. I need a new blog make over. My (well used to be mine) Marine broke up. So this can no longer be "The Marine && The Civilian" blog anymore.

Yes, for all you out there who didn't know Eddie and I have broken up. There are many reasons why we broke up, but for now I wish these reasons remain unspoken of. I won't lie, I screwed up in the relationship just as he did. We both have things we need to settle with our own selves before we can maintain a relationship with each other.

I will say in all honesty that a relationship with a man in the service was A LOT harder than I thought it would be. I can say it did make me stronger as a person. I do regret some of the choices I made in the relationhip, but I do not regret the relationship as a whole.

Sometimes I catch myself wishing that I didn't make the choices I made or mistakes I made. I just have to keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. I know that I am not ready for the relationhip with him. I just need to grow up. I don't want to look back on my teenage years later in life and regret not acting like a teen.

I only get to live my life once and I am not going to hold myself back. This is all feeling so weird to me right now. I am actually blogging, I am not in a relationship, I am living a teenage life for once. I still love him and I still have a place in my heart for him I always will. Just right now isn't the best time. I am afraid of hurting him worse than I already have. I am sure that I have ruined alot of my future with him, but that is something I am going to have to accept whether I like it or not.

Sometimes I want to start my relationship with him over, but then again I just think to myself that I just need to keep moving and take everything a day at a time. I am constantly reminding myself that if we are meant to be that in the future our paths will cross and we will take it from there.

Gosh I feel like I am rambling on, I know I am! I just don't really have anyone to just talk to so I am just going to carry on. Ok maybe not I am just going to stop, find someone to give my blog a little makeover and start over.