Sunday, January 9, 2011

I want to live my life without fear --

Things are starting to get me to the point of being scared, stressed, and worried. We broke up that is it, you and I are over and have been since the beginning of November. If I really meant that much to you then you would have waited for me or tried harder to get me back. No, instead you get a girlfriend 3 days later and less than two months of dating you decided to ask her to marry you.

Some how though you can't seem to drop me from you life. You feel the need to still try and figure out what I am doing in my daily life without you! When you fly home for Christmas you tell me when you land in Dallas that you are going to text me when you are headed to my house, because you know I don't want to see you and I want to be able to leave the house. No, though you use it to your advantage and don't tell me. The whole break was good for me until the last 3 days you decide to show up at my house without warning, meaning I am stuck here. Little did you know I broke down crying in my room when my mom told me you were here. Out of common decency you could have told me you were coming. Oh and left your "fiance" at home where she belongs, not at my house.

Now that your back at base everything is back to normal somewhat. I can go on about my life without having to worry about you just stopping by my house. Nope, I am wrong. You continue to text me about that stupid iPod that is supposedly "yours". I bet you liked my attitude toward you "f" the iPod "f" my shirt and "f" you. That still stands I don't want anything to do with you. I wish you would say and do the same. You can't and won't though, you still feel the need to know who I am talking to and who I am trying to pursue a relationship with.

You want to know what I am doing and who with still. I have blocked you from my facebooks, e-mail, and all instant messengers. I have blocked your family, friends, and anyone that has a connection between me and you. I deleted all the mutual friends between us on my military friends facebook. I know someone some where is telling you what my statuses say. So, now I have to watch what I post on there. Just another way for you to pry into my life.

You are really beginning to scare me. It is stressing me out and you know it. You know what all this is doing to me and I do not appreciate it. I don't know why you get to me the way you do, but it is worrying me. I don't like these feelings you give me, I can't seem to escape you no matter what I do. Please just leave me alone. I would really like to live my life without the fear you getting into my life.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

ABC's of Military Spouse

For all my followers that are a Military spouse.

A - Always Faithful. This one is obvious and also a big part of Marine culture. Marines are always faithful to their country and their Corps as they fight for it. We are always faithful to our country and our Corps by standing behind them, supporting them in all they do and of course remaining Always Faithful to them.
B - Bitchy. I’m not going to lie… I know we get bitchy. Being a woman, surrounded by other woman, all sexually deprived, PMSing, missing the love of our lives and having to do everything alone..its hard NOT to be bitchy. People will ask dumb questions or say rude things and if they catch you on one of those bitchy days..oh boy.
C - Crazy. Yes, we are all insane. I’ve been running a support site of about 5,000 Marine girls and I can say that all 5,000 of us are insane. We can say ‘Its only been a month since I’ve seen him’ and make perfect sense… but if you think about it, thats CRAZY! ONLY a month away from the love of your life? To any other person we are insane, and deep down we all are. But we are also insanely in love and for us, that makes this all the most normal thing we know.
D - Determined. This is probably the strongest quality that Marine girls have. We are determined to make it through 7 months of a deployment. When they extend the deployment a few months we are determined not to let it get us down. When we find ourselves with a group of friends who all have their significant others, and we are alone, we are determined to still have a good time. When our FRO isn’t giving us the information we want or need, we are determined to still find that information. When we find out we must move across country with 2 kids and no husband, we are determined to have a beautiful house by the end of the week. When we have to transfer schools we are determined to do so and still maintain a high GPA. I have yet to meet one Marine girl who is not determined to make it to their end goal.
E - Excited. It will happen. Boot camp, training, deployment, any long separation…it will come to an end. And the days leading up to that will be the most excruciating days of your life. When my husband returned from deployment, every day that got closer to the date he would come home my stomach would hurt more. By the time the day rolled around I could barely eat and I thought I was going to throw up. My reasoning behind this was my butterflies were on crack and going so fast that it was making me nauseous. I was in a state of shock waiting around all day for the time to come [which of course was delayed more then once]. By the time the buses rolled up, I almost threw up. When they got off the bus me and the amazing women around me all burst into involuntary tears. I know they felt the way I did, with all that built up emotion just releasing.
F - Flexible. Semper Gumby. Always Flexible. One of the most important things that a Marine wife must master. Since my husband went to boot camp 3 weeks earlier then expected, I have learned that NOTHING ever goes the way it is supposed to the first time. The big green weenie will change its mind 800 times before it settles on something and then will likely change it again. You will have to get out of the mindset of trying to plan and into doing things last minute. And its not easy, I still want to plan everything I can as soon as possible, but unfortunately thats usually about the day or hour before.
G - Graceful. Ever seen a duck swimming on water? They are completely calm and graceful on top of the water but if you looked closer you would see their feet underneath them going frantically a million miles an hour. I see this image a lot with Military wives. On the surface it appears everything is under control. But if you take another look they are acting as both a wife and a husband and often a mother and a father. They have to handle everything usually far away from their home and comfort zone all alone. True, sometimes they will break down but most often they put on their brave face to take on the world.
H - Hairy. Haha yes, I had to say it. When its winter and my husband is away you don’t want to go anywhere near my legs. I only got one use out of a brand new razor when it finally turned summer after 6 months of deployment. And I know I am not the only one ! Rock your hairy legs girls :]
I - Incredible. So many people know what a unique challenge we have as military wives and I have heard such nice things about what we do every day. And its all true, we have a very unique life and unique challenges and the way we get through it all makes each and every one of us incredible.
J - Jealous. I admit I am guilty of this one. I am jealous of my husbands REAL wife…the Marines. That bitch takes up all of his time and just when I think we might get a special moment, she decides she has something better to do. And yes, I am insanely jealous of her and all the time she gets to spend with the love of my life. And its not fair, its not like she loves him half as much as I do, but does that matter? Of course not…bitch.
K - Kind. This is one of my favorite qualities of military girls. If someone you have only barely met online needs help moving, they will be right there to help you. A girl you have met twice will show up at your doorstep you were having a bad night and just really need some Ben and Jerry’s and some cocktails and cry with you. You can meet someone new at a homecoming and have them take pictures for you and later watch your baby. When your husband is deployed and there is a huge spider in your bathtub, just walk next door and I guarantee that your new neighbor will help you kill it, even if it involves throwing heels at it for an hour giggling because you keep missing, then jump and celebrate with you when you finally kill it, then let you sleep over because now you can’t find where it went.
L - Lonely. I was going to keep this all light and positive but I can’t ignore the fact that sometimes we WILL get lonely. Some days all the friends and laughter in the world wont shake the fact that your BEST friend and favorite person is miles away and has been for months and will be for a few more months. When this happens, I just have to say stay home, take a bubble bath or lay down in bed and cry. You will feel better in the morning and you will feel better then trying to force yourself to go out. However, I hope that you don’t do it too often either ! I have found that staying busy will keep you from even getting that beginning feeling of a bad, lonely night.
M - Manly. I already said it once, but I am repeating it. Military wives have to be both a man and a woman and they have to master it. I never thought I would know how to change my tires and oil, change my super high light bulbs, assemble a fence and also assemble all of our new furniture. But situations arose and I have had to learn how to do all of these things. When there are family events I have to act as both of us. I don’t have any children but when I do I will also have to act as both the mother and the father. As military wifes, we have to learn to be manly to survive.
N - Negative. Another one I wish wasn’t true but it is! I have definitely had my negative moments. Mostly they come when we might have some really good news coming for us. I always have to remember my past experiences and my negativity comes out. Lately we have been hearing we might PCS…my negativity can’t help but come out and I am having a hard time getting excited about it, and I probably wont be able to until we are all moved in and there for a month. But sometimes my negativity has saved me, like when he was coming home from deployment 2 weeks early. I told him yeah right and I didn’t believe it and guess what, I was right.
O - Optimistic. Even though we have negative thoughts, I know we definitely can be optimistic as well. We are optimistic that although we have had 2 days notice to move we will get it all packed, in a truck and find a beautiful house within our budget and keep the family safe and happy on our way. We are optimistic that we will get a call once a week and when we don’t we remember that no news is good news. We are optimistic that our care packages will arrive and nothing will break or rot and we are optimistic that our husbands will step off that bus and our relationships will be just as good as they were before [and that they haven’t grown a molestash]
P - Perfect? Are you the perfect military wife? Do you cry? Are you pessimistic? Do you doubt yourself? Do you listen to rumors? What exactly IS a perfect military wife? I think we all have a different definition of perfect and I think that as long as you are doing what you need to do you are perfect, and even if you let that slip a little in being perfect…well that just makes you normal.
Q - Quick. Why is it important to be quick? It goes along with flexible. When plans change you must be ready to compromise and quickly.
R - Romantic. What is this life all about besides being strong and flexible? The fact that it is all driven by the crazy love we have for our significant others. And when we have a chance to be romantic we will go all out. I have seen some of the best examples of true love come out all over through care packages, hand written letters, poems, songs, surprises, even Facebook statuses…some of the most classic examples of love and romance that I think a lot of people have forgotten about. I have heard of people re-living certain holidays when they have a chance and making it even better then before. A lot of us get to have 2 weddings, one for just us and one for family. The distance and the stress makes us realize what is truly important in the world.
S - Stress. No denying it - this life is STRESSFUL. And us living it are professionals at managing it, although it takes some time to figure it all out. I had a horrible time with all the stress until I found yoga and writing and started the site and getting it all out and meeting people who understand what I am going through has been the best stress relievers I have found. That and chocolate….
T - Tough. Marine wifes are some of the strongest people I know. The get through so much more then the average person could imagine. They are tough minded, tough hearted and just tough… End of story.
U - Unique. Every single story I have heard from military wifes is unique and because of that them as a person is also unique. No 2 stories, even if the 2 wives went through the EXACT same thing are the same. Unfortunately that also makes it very hard to figure out what you are in for.
V - Valuable. All of you ask your significant others how valuable you are to them. I guarantee you will hear some very nice things. If it was on a scale from 1-10 I bet you would get a 15. They have a tough exterior but hopefully you have all gotten that moment as I have where they break down and spill their hearts to you and let you know just how special you are to them. It will make you feel amazing, I promise.
W - Wonderful! There is no doubt about it… you are wonderful! Your husband is wonderful. Your love is wonderful. You standing behind your man is wonderful. Even when you break down it is wonderful…because it shows you are human and how in love you are. And on your worst day…just remember how wonderful you are. <3
X - Xtremely sleepy [I know I cheated with the X]…but I had to throw this in somewhere because it is such a big part of our little Marine wife culture. You can spot a Marine wife going through a deployment almost a mile away because they always are sleep deprived [[and hairy]]. Waiting up all night for phone calls or hopefully getting phone calls. It takes a toll on a person being on 2 time zones at once!
Y - Young. The majority of us are very young and in American culture might often get looked down upon for being married so young. But then you move to base and you are totally normal for being married so young, and often will find you are older then many girls around you. Its definitely different especially if you were raised like me with completely opposite ideas of when you get married…and it was very hard for me to tell my family I would be getting married so young. But in the end, thats normal for the military and in 20 years they will eat their words.
Z - Zest. May we always keep our marriages spicy and exciting. Luckily it shouldn’t be too hard for us to do because we are lucky enough to have 20 first kisses and first times and new things to talk about and learn about each other through our individual travels. I can brag about changing a tire while he tells me about a mission, all the while counting down until we are back in each other’s arms.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Mass chaos

Well, this is certainly different. I haven't blogged in awhile. I am excited to get back into it. Although it won't be all about my relationship, it will be completely different. I can blog about what I want, the things on my mind, things happening in my life, headlines on the news, just anything I want.

Come to think of it, I have a mass chaos of things going on that I am just ready to let out and release everything I have on my mind and in my heart. I know he still looks at my blog and I am kinda worried about that, one of the main reasons I haven't been blogging. I know I know I shouldn't let him hold me back. I can't help it.

So far 2011 hasn't been bad. Well, for something to actually happen I need to do something. Right? I really haven't been doing anything, but Skyping with David, playing Black Ops, and eating food. I did clean house New Year's Eve, and went out and drove around the airport one night. That is all though.

The holidays were hetic, family drama was EVERYWHERE, I couldn't escape it. My sister flew in from Alaska to spend a week with us. That didn't go over so hot. We made the best of it and hung out together. Her and I together can tough through anything.

OK well I know this post is all over the place, so I am just going to stop writing and let things settle down and become organized for my blog again.